i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
