I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
