i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
