I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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