you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
