he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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