I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
