When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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