i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
