You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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