He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
