if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
