And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
