I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
