I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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