In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
