I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
