Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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