well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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