Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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