Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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