someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
