she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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