Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Randomize
