Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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