seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
