My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
