The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
