tequila makes me forget i have legs
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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