i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
