I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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