Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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