don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
