i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
