Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
