I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
