Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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