My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
