mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
