I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
