Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
