When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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