i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
