my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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