next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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