she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
