genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
