last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
