theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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