1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
