I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
